Poem Draft - I need help?

This is good work, and you are right, it needs some work. The tone changes from "I dared to love" on down. It becomes melodramatic, and the quality of language becomes cornball. I think it would be a worthwhile exercise for you to recast the entire poem into the third person. I'm not saying that this will make a better poem, but I think it will be helpful in seeing certain weaknesses. FYI, I don't spend the time an effort in critiquing a poem if I think it's bad. You have a great idea, some excellent turns of phrase, and a nice sense of rhythm. Keep at it!